Poetry speaks, heals, and creates...

Butterflies 
By: Me

She got lost before she could make a choice

Others made it for her

She is now a women living in the lies of her childhood. Lies she had no defense over.

Child, he will wipe away those tears

Child, he will take hold of your hands

Child, he wants to give you life

It’s hard to believe in a life of pain and suffering
It’s hard to say yes to a love to good to be true
It’s hard to understand how much He really does love you

Women, He can take away those fears

Women, He can show you how beautiful you are

Women, He loves you more than anyone

It’s hard to say yes in a world of no's
It’s hard to have faith in a mess of lies
It’s hard to be alive among the dead

Oh child

Oh women

No one will escape suffering in this life

But in His perfect time, beauty will unfold

As a butterfly is sure to spread her wings

You will rise up out of this darkness into new life

In His time

Rest in faith



​

​Suffering
By: Me

Watch the little bird fly through the sky

twirl around and pretend you can fly

all too soon joy became vain

pain came from every direction

to steal her God away

Oh Jesus, oh Daddy

Where have you placed me?

This life is futile, this life is no longer free

Did I agree to this when I was younger

Do I not remember the prayer that got me here

I can't pretend with the best of them

I can't be disguised in the mob of unbelief

Life is moving faster

She screams out in agony

Oh Daddy Oh Jesus

Won't you please come down and save me.



​

Fire
By: Me

Crying, balled up on the kitchen floor

Questions looming, needing answers

Peace is not enough, she needs to be spoken to

Is this what you want for me Lord? Am I going the right way?

The cost is too high to walk into carelessly

Screaming begins

She rips the foil wrapper off her heart and exposes the truth

God I need you!

God please speak to me now!

I can’t do this without You!

If this is really what you have called me to, I need you to tell me clearly

Lord, this is so hard

This life is so hard

I need you now!

Those who sow in tears, will reap in joy

Those who count the cost will drink freely of the new wine

Those who walk through the fire will come out sanctified

Your Holy light fills her space

You love her as much now as you will when she is healed

You did not have to speak so clearly, but you did out of love

Into the fire she walks with his hand leading the way

Oh beautiful daughter of mine, your Father does know best

Find rest in Me as you walk

Laying down the fight, to surrender to the storm

Into the fire she walks…


​

​To my Mom
​By: Me

Tears fall as I remember your soft loving voice
So much joy you brought to our lives
Your heart was so tender, your hugs were deep
Your presents were many every Christmas
You loved to shower us with gifts

You had a deep love for music
I never heard you swear

Your heart was filled with pride over all your grandchildren
You never said No when I needed help, I would not be who I am today without you

You played horsey with Grace, and iron man with Jeremy
You prayed for me daily

You were always there to answer my calls
You listened to my problems
You gave me sound advice
You were my number one encourager and fan in life

Too soon I have to write this…
I wish I could have said a proper goodbye
I know you are in glory now
But that doesn't
take away deaths sting

Oh Mom how much I love you, I wish I could hug you tight just one last time

Life is unexpected
Suffering is deep

Oh Mom how I wish you was here to help me through this…
Another hard lesson learned for me

Don’t sweat the small stuff, I promise it doesn't matter in the end
Hold your loved ones daily, kiss their cheeks often

Life is fleeting…
It’s gone in one breath.

Mom, you are deeply missed.

​I love you.
4/24/50 - 9/10/2013
​

When it doesn't get better
By:Me

The pain awakens me too early for the day

I fight the fear as I get out of bed

What will this day be like?
How much pain will today bring?
How many smiles do I need to fake today?

The world is not sympathetic and I must go on
I thought answers had come, but I am left here in confusion as the flare starts again

My entire life has to revolve around a bathroom
I get the kids ready to go to the store, the first stop is always the bathroom
Anxiety kicks in when I go to the park and see there is no bathroom
Try to explain to the kids why we have to leave early

I get no pleasure from food or drink
No one understands this silent pain

Only those who have been handed this daily monster can really relate

I have prayed for God to take me home early. I admit I am so weak
Admitting I could live with this forever is to much for me to bear

My kids keep me going, without them I would not get out of bed
You do not see the real me, because you could not handle the misery

This life has done nothing but throw me curve balls, just once I need a break

Oh Lord, where are you?

I am sick of people throwing out Bible verses. They have no clue.

I am sick of unanswered prayers

When people pray for me it causes more disappointment when nothing changes
Where is the comfort you promise in your word?

I don't need people to tell me you are testing me. I don't believe in a God who would hand over chronic pain to someone to test them

I am angry most of the time

The guilt over the wife and Mom I am forced to be is overpowering

Oh God. Where are you. No, I never thought life would be perfect with you, but I did expect to have comfort through the pain

I feel abandoned by God again

This is only the truth

No commenting please

Written while I was in years of nonstop pain from IC/PBS

​

Daddy was a Monster
By: Me

My daddy was a monster
No 
really.
No fairy tails here
He tore apart love with his teeth
He spilled venom everywhere he walked
He killed my mom
Her spirit was broken
but her love for us remained
She held on as long as she could

Come dear and sit here
Come dear
Come near
Come 
and 
watch
me

Im big and tall yes
I have a deep scary voice 
yes
you are so small
helpless
incomplete

Come dear and sit here
Come dear
I saved this seat
just.
for.
you.

My eyes are red like fire
Im going to kill her
Im going to make you watch

Come dear
sit here

I saved the brown recliner 
just. 
for. 
you.

Im going to force you to hate her
Im going to force you to call her a bitch

Yes
the mom you love so much.

You are supposed to trust me.
You are supposed to love me.

Come dear
sit here

Im going to fuck you up for life.

Im 
so 
angry.

Get the fuck off her!
You dirty fucking man I must call dad.
Why am I SO SMALL!  
Why can't I get you off her!
Why wont you stop screaming at her!

Why do you hate her so much!

What will I do when she is dead?
I will be left with you.
You sick fuck.

Mommy I want to protect you
Mommy I am so sorry.

I did not mean it, he made me call you a bitch.

He told me he would kill you if I didn't.

Mommy I love you.

Mommy who will rescue you!

And the cops bang on the door…

and 
life
keeps
going...

Father
By: Me

My father died when I was young, but my real Father has been there all along

My father was jaded, hated, lost, and confused, but my real Father is perfect, loves all, knows the right direction and never hesitates to show me the way

My father spoke word curses over my life causing dysfunction, pain, and confusion, but my real Father erased those marks with compassion and redemption

My father made me speak abuse about my mother and made me watch as he hurt her, but my real Father restored my relationship with my Mother and works to heal her from the abuse

My father choose to place me in the middle of his circle of chaos, but my real Father rescued me and set me in his circle of acceptance and peace

My father fed me poison on a dirty fork, but my real Father feeds me wisdom on a silver spoon

My father left me more than once, but my real Father promises to never leave

My father gave me a gift of pennies from the burnt hole in his pocket, but my real Father gives me irreplaceable blessings set aside for a princess

My father took my smile and locked it up in a cage, but my real Father had the key the whole time

My father only loved me when it was convenient for him, but my real Father loved me even when I hated him

My father taught me that life is a battle and we will never win

My real Father taught me that Love Always Wins.....

​

Betrayed
By: Me

Take me in...
Give me roses, give me love
Kiss me..tenderly
Take my hand and tell me you love me

Fallen in love without a choice

It was your choice to make me feel things I was too young to feel

Older, stronger, you carried me down the old winding stairs
From truth and honesty down to a circus of confusion
Everywhere I turned lies were thrown my way. Expected to catch them, there was no other way

You placed them at first gently in my lap, then you forcefully shoved them down my throat as you laughed

So young, so broken and now I have lost my way home

Just when my stuffing had come out of my seams you choose then to let me loose and abandon me

Where or where do I go now?
I am so lost down in this place you have led me down...

Trapped in black darkness where you led me... just for the sole purpose of abandoning me

Only a miracle could save me now

You locked me down and only came around every once in a while

Help me, please help me...I scratch at my face

Love me, please love me..like you did before you led me down to this filthy place

Is there anyone who understands this betrayal? Is there anyone who will respond to my prayers?

Just a child you see...

Just another mindless tragedy.



Suicide
​By: Me

​

Good News
By: Me

Born without a choice
Abandoned without a choice
Hated without a choice
Raped without a choice

Who will this girl become? Where is God in her life?

She cries out in wonder. She cries out in tears.

No happy home to comfort her dying soul
No answers to the question, "Am I beautiful? Am I enough?

No one sees her tears and no one even cares

She starts to get mad, so she takes everything out on herself
It’s like she knows deep down she would be hurting God most

Starving and addicted she now moves through her days
She invited this chaos to stay

Others continue to mock her, others only see her skin
Her heart is deeply hidden, never to be hurt again

Sin led her so many different places, but down she continued to fall
Finally, someone sees her heart buried under her transgressions and shortfalls

The struggle to freedom begins. Her past demons prove to be stronger than she thought. They pull at her in every direction and confuse all her thoughts.

Others around her confessed to walk in the light, although she found less comfort in them then her past friends in the dark.

Confused she searched in all directions looking for the truth

He gently pulled her out of the circle and observed her heart with his eyes. Sweet Grace and Forgiveness were piercing through into her heart. His eyes melted away all her sin. His eyes could see deep into the center of her ice cold heart.

This was not the God of judgment she has grown up to believe in, this was a God of Love and Mercy, a God of new beginnings.

It was like he gave her a brand new heart. She was blind, and now she can see. She was lost and now she is found.

She was dead

Now she’s alive

He wrapped a sparkling white robe around her and put a beautiful shiny pendant around her neck
She could not be mistaken for someone else's now. He took away all her past regrets
When she looks to wander away, he pulls her closer to his heart.

The Good News is so much more than words

It's radiant light gives birth to new life

​Oh the wonder of the Cross

The Key
By: Me

The light of the world chooses to shine in us

so broken

so desperate

I reached out my hand

save me

love me

teach me your ways

I turned and there waiting was the golden key to my forbidden door

Never before had I been able to open it, never had I even been this close

I turned back around with the door placed in front of me, and I slowly turned the key...

Your Majesty, your Beauty, your Glory...is all around me and never had I before seen

Suddenly as I stepped through my rags turned radiant white. I never knew anything could be so pure and full of light

My shame causes me to want to step back...how can this be? How can the Lord of the universe really love me?

As I stand there trembling about to collapse in my disgrace...

Your hand outstretches beneath me as grace holds me

You will not let me fall, you will not allow me to go back out the door

You have plans for me, and never would I have known…

If I would have stayed away in my shame and let torment become my life calling

​

The Testimony
By: Me

As a small child she prayed
A special knowing of God’s love resounded in her heart
Alone and abandoned her thoughts had no defense
Eventually the abuse distorted her God given identity
Love was a distant memory
Darkness surrounded
Defense mechanisms form
Survival is her only hope

Pride promises identity
Fear promises shelter
Anger promises protection

Lies
Lies
Lies

The father of lies laughs as she cries
He brings her poison to mend her wounds
She takes it, not seeing another solution
Addiction quickly takes root

What she couldn’t see was the answer had been waiting all along
The light never left her
Sin clouds over the truth

One decision of the will forever changes the heart
Pride, fear, and anger dissolve as the clouds of sin part
Light comes bursting forth cutting through all past disappointments

All consuming
Life giving
Hope delivers healing
His love cost something

Receiving the blessings from His sacrifice
Passion for Him now rules her life
Hunger grows as she feeds off His bread
Healing flows as she drinks out of His cup
Dead religion cannot compare
His presence is real
His breath is electrifying

Breathing life into hearts of those who choose Him
He never disappoints
His grip holds tight even through suffering and death
Nothing can separate us from his great love

He is love

The father of lies shouts, “Too good to be true”!

Jesus whispers, “I have defeated you”.

Bring your dirty hands before Him
God is in the business of transformation

Ashes transform into diamonds
Darkness renovates into magnificent light
Mud hardens as His fire brings forth shine

Turn your life over to Him

He will create a marvelous work of art

His creativity is never ending
He is the source of life itself 
​

​The Truth
By: Me

​Try and run in front of it
Turn your back to it
Don't look at it
Try and replace it
Give it a new name
Pretend it's not there
Fill yourself with other things hoping there will be no room for it
Stuff it down inside and don't think about it
Make fun of others who embrace it
Hate it
Do what you want, it will never change
The truth

The Struggle
By: Me

​She was born into chaos, but love was watching her first cry

She was raised in confusion, but wisdom would eventually become her guiding light

She felt lost and alone, but the comfort of a mighty Savior was near

Her imagination was her rescue and her hope was in her prayers.

Just a small child, so helpless and incomplete

She stumbled and fell daily until the bottom had become too deep

Abandonment became the curse over her life

Will she be broken and accept this free gift of life? 

Or will she choose to live out the curse

...and live in filthy dirty lies?

Dear oh dear, if I could go back and tell you what I know...

Would it change your mind? Would it give you just a glimmer of hope?

Sometimes a glimpse is all you need. To change the hands of time and reverse your born into identity

​

Leave Me Alone
By: Me

I tried to run, you let me.  For a while
Then you showed up right in front of me

and 

you 

wont

move.

So deep, this pain

So empty I feel

So abandoned

Its so cold here

Its so scary

I am shaking

I want to hide

The floor is so cold

The air is so dark

My skin is withering and cracking

My wounds are seeping out

My soul cries out for healing

But I don't know what the bandaid looks like

I have looked everywhere trying to find out

Jesus you did not come through for me

Lots of money, you don't bring peace

Romance and sex, you don't last

Here I am again
So cold here
So alone

Who am I?
Who loves me?
Why cant I feel love?
Why cant I give love like I see?

You don't know me

If you did
You. 
would.
leave.
Who are you
inside of me
and
why 
wont
you 
leave.

​

Devil's Play ground 
By: Me

Music Pumping

Lights Flashing

Drinks Passing

Drugs Calling

Pride Growing

Love Leaving

People Cheating

Hearts Longing

Eyes Glowing

Evil Prowling

Clocks Ticking

Morning Coming

Kids Wondering

Mommy Dancing

Kids Missing

Attention Lacking

Hearts Hurting

Pain Growing

Selfishness Overpowering

Mommy Leaving

Sex Beginning

Drugs Passing

Soul Deadening

Head Spinning

Love Missing

Kids Sleeping

Mommy Laughing

Sunlight Coming

Blinds Closing

Cigarette's Glowing

Mirrors Lying

Rooms Changing

He’s Longing

Porn Viewing

Using Her

Letting Him

Tragedy Growing

Mind Blowing Clubs.

​

Breakthrough
By: Me

He tore the veil, and it’s time to heal
why did you wait so long?
“so you can help others” the voice gently says 

Just in time
I was going under again 

Intimacy is a curse word to me
Why could I not see?

It’s like I was held under the water
I could no longer breathe; I looked up through the waves
A small light in the distance would not let go of me
With others prayer, the light got larger and larger until it finally took hold of me

Your glory abounds
The weight is lifted

PRAISE THE LORD

I was blinded and now I finally see

You are the Lord, and you will heal me

You think no one can feel the pain your in
You say no one cares
The truth is, we all have our pain
We all have the same human condition
No one is exempt here

Not the millionaire, not the most beautiful girl
Not the saint, not the sinner
Not the popular, not the loner
Not the leave it to beaver, no one

Maybe its not that they don’t care, maybe its deeper

Maybe we are too busy thinking about how nobody loves us either

Maybe we are all stuck inside of our own hollow shells

We want to see who you really are, but we are too busy protecting ourselves

We all have our instruments
We have played them since we were young
You play them without thought now

You are part of one big masterpiece
You thought you were the composer

You come to realize your dreams never mattered
You were never meant to be the master potter

Pain, struggle, and isolation

They all have their place in the final uncovering

Contemplating (Living with IC)
By: Me

It's invisible

It's debilitating

It's confusing

It's life altering

It's disgusting

It brings you to thoughts of death

Death seems more comfortable than life

for a time

You think you cannot live one more day with this disease

and thats when they tell you it will never go away

Fear is so crippling

It quickly leads to thoughts of death

Alone, you would finally be free

A still small voice breaks through the darkness

Even in pain, life is worth it

Courage springs up

Courage looks misery in the face

Courage says all is not lost even in this world of pain

Courage will live on

The God given spirit to fight when all seems lost

Have the courage to have hope

When one dies, others will die too

The cycle of love is broken when you choose death

When God is ready for you, you will be home without effort

Have the faith to trust, even in your pain he has a reason for your life

Let the tears fall

Scream out your fears

Do what you must

But you must move on.

Victorious Overcomer
By: Me

A baby’s cry 
Oh the wonder begins
The first breath comes in strain
Missing that comfortable place
The umbilical cord is cut, but the spiritual cord remains
Everyone is watching
You are expected to make something of all this
The wounded puzzle pieces start to fall into place

Who will this child become?
It usually ends where it begins

A life marked in suffering
We do not choose our childhood

Confusion
Separation
Where is daddy?
Am I valuable?
Am I worthy to be loved?

Dancing around lies
Oh Child
Your worth is not tied to this place
Earth is not home

You are always connected to His love, the cord was never broken
One day you will return

Everything is recorded

​Imparted adoration
Constant attention
He is thrilled with you
He chases you with delight and grace

The battle is raging all around you
The fight for your worship remains

Your life is being woven together in goodwill and harmony

Victorious overcomer will be your name

This title does not come easy
Nothing good ever does
Just remember child,
This is not home
When the 2nd cord is broken, face to face you will see

This life you now live was only preparing you for your true identity

Victorious Overcomer
This will be your name.

When I go
By: me

Only one name worthy of such praise
In awe…
Thinking of the day I leave 
To hear the sweet music that finally sets my soul free
My faith will come full circle, and I will be complete

No more wavering, no more tears. No more wondering, no more fears

Face to face I will see. Face to face I will praise. Face to face I will fall at His feet in victory

My soul jumps out at the thought of such glory

My judgment wants to tell me it’s too good to be true. Have I been so hurt I can no longer believe?
This world has left me empty and longing for more

Could it be, could there really be a reason we are not satisfied here? 
Could it all be true, this unsettling longing was placed deep into our hearts by a loving creator
He wants to know you.
He wants us to search. He is longing for us to meet him
He satisfies.
He satisfies.
He satisfies.
No interesting quote can satisfy this soul
No book can calm my fears and bring me lasting peace
One minute at a time we are called to live this life
We never know when our last will come
I want to be ready on that day.
I want to hear…Well done. Well done dear.
Only by his sweet grace
When I rise
Don’t cry for me
Sing to Him
Praise Him for saving me

​

Dear Missy
By: Me

Oh dear please open up to me
Allow me
To love you

I know you are furious.
I know you are wounded.
I know you were not loved.

I know it was evil.

Missy
Please open up to me
Your hard shell was once needed, yes
It is no longer needed dear

But you hate me too
You call me names
You tell me I am fat and ugly
You tell me I am not smart
You tell me people don’t love me
Why would I open up to you
I need to protect myself from you, to
I will lay here in this ball, with these chains until I feel safe

I am so sorry, dear
I am so sorry I have not loved you
I am so sorry I have not protected you

We are older now
We cannot change the past
No, they did not love you
but I can
Now.

Please allow me in. Please melt down so I can touch your heart.

Please connect with me... I want to know you.

I want to allow you to play and be free

I want you to feel like the child you are. I want you to be loved.

Missy, you are loved!

I’m sorry 
I just cannot trust you yet. 
You have hurt me too much
You have not given me love 
You constantly tell me I am not good enough
I cannot relax with you
You ignore me
And tell me my needs don’t matter
why don’t you love me
Bring me my teddy bear please

Day by day I will come to you, I will show you I am here
I am not leaving, I will love you no matter what tantrum you throw at me
I will not ignore you
I will help your wounds heal

Please dear, please forgive me

I will bring you love in a hundred different ways
Even through this daily pain you give me
I will love you still.

I pray one day you will open up and show me who you really are

I pray one day you will trust me enough to be free and play

I pray one day you will delight in your soul

I will not give up on you

I will love you.

Love the one in front of you
By: Me

Be the change you wish to see

Love the one in front of you

Whats my purpose you ask?

Why am I here?

Its not so complicated dear

Love the one in front of you

Be the change you wish to see

What should I do with my time?

How do I know if I am doing the right things?

Quiet your fears my dear and listen to your heart

See the one in front of you

Listen to their tears

Move your hand towards theirs

Love them

Love the one in front of you

Be the change you wish to see

What does God want me to do?

What did he create me for?

How do I know if I am on the right path?

Come close to my heart dear

Accept my love and quiet your confusion

There are no hoops to jump through

There is no puzzle to put together

You are perfect
You are loved
You have value
You have purpose

Just the way you are

Love the one in front of you
Be the change you wish to see

You are perfect in your struggles
You are loved

...Accept my love and pass it on...

Be Still 
By: Me

I’m small
 
I’m scared
 
I see the fear
 
I feel the fear
 
Its dark
 
The screams are real
 
The ball of protection is forming all around me
 
Its constricting
 
Its squeezing me
 
I should be soundly sleeping in dreams of childhood bliss
 
You pull me from my comfort
 
You torture my soul with death
 
I can’t see who I really am
 
I can no longer feel the love which surrounds
 
You were small
 
You were scared
 
You saw the fear
 
You felt the fear
 
It was dark
 
The screams around you were real
 
A ball of protection formed around you
 
It constricted you
 
It squeezed you
 
You should have been sleeping in childhood bliss
 
You were pulled from all your comfort
 
Your soul was tortured with death
 
You lost site of who you really were
 
You could no longer feel the love surround
 
You got lost in your anger
 
and you passed your pain on…
 
 
All that is true is forgotten
 
You can no longer see the man you were made to be
 
The truth still remains even though its hidden
 
Love is all that’s real.
Love is all that’s real.
Love is all that’s real.
 
Breaking through the shadows
Breaking through the tears

Fear must dissipate when the truth appears
 
In this life you were not able to break free
Death called you home
 
I forgive you for the madness
I break off the walls of protection so I can feel Gods love
 
One day we will meet again, in all His Glory, in all His Grace
 
I will get to meet the man you kept deeply hidden due to your own pain
 
Our embrace will be untainted
Our love will be pure

All the torture, all the pain, will be washed away

​Living in the in-between
Struggling to find healing
Struggling to live in the truth
 
Resting to believe
 
Be Still.. and know.. I am God.
Be Still.. and know.. I am God.
 
Be Still Dear
 
And know
 
I am God.
 
Be Still Dear. Rest in Me.

I Once Knew this Girl
By: Me

I once knew this girl
 
I once knew this little girl. She had golden hair, big beautiful green eyes, and a smile that couldn’t figure out how to form.
 
Her heart was so soft, tender. She loved all the little insects and animals she came in contact with.

She would twirl around for hours in the breezy summer days looking up to the sky.
 The clouds amazed her. She would stare up in awe of how small she felt and how large her God was. She felt like God was holding her hand when she focused on the sky.
 
What a safe place.
 
She would lay down on the soft green grass and stare straight up into the blue sky. She noticed the funny shapes of the clouds and wondered to herself what animal they resembled most.
 
At night, she loved to go outside and run in circles. She would twirl around until her head hurt and she had no choice but to fall to the ground.
 
She looked up and saw the shining stars. Again in awe of the beauty of her God. She could feel Gods love pouring into her through those stars.
 
Catching lighting bugs became a favorite hobby. She would poke holes in the jar so that they could breathe. When one did die, she felt sorrow, but knew their soul had gone off to a better place.
 
This girl, she was special. Her heart was one of a kind.
 
She took dead birds she found outside into the house to make them a proper funeral. She would carefully wrap them in a pretty cloth and then pray over them, making sure they made it to heaven.

When I remember her, the tears start rolling down my face.

One by one, then two by two…
 
Faster they stream when I look into the mirror.
 
You see…
 
This girl was already broken. So young, so innocent, she could not have known. Her innocence protected her from seeing the truth.
 
Slowly, she stopped twirling.
 
She stopped looking up into the sky.
 
She stopped feeling safe.
 
She had been robbed.
 
She no longer trusted that the love she felt was true.
 
She completely forgot how to smile.
 
She got lost.
 
She knew something had gone terribly wrong. She felt like she could not get back home.
 
She didn’t know that it wasn’t her that was the wrong.
 
She couldn’t see how someone else’s sin had torn her road apart.
 
She could no longer see any beauty.
 
You see…
 
She was beauty. If she was no longer able to recognize beauty,
 
She could no longer recognize herself.
 
She needed to create her own love. She tried, and tried, like the book her father gave her. The Little Engine that Could.
 
She was very strong willed. She tried all she knew.

She used all the tools that had been given to her. She tried to work these tools in all different ways.
 
She kept thinking, “if only I could figure out the right way to use these tools, then I would be loved.”
 
No matter how she use these tools, no matter how many different men she got to help her, it never worked.

Actually, she managed to dig herself further down with their help.
 
There was someone who never forgot her beauty though.
 
There was someone who remembered her soft heart.
 
There was someone who was watching and protecting her the whole time.
 
There was someone who could hand her the right tools and even teach her how to use them.
 
There was someone.
 
Someone who loved her so much, in a way she would never fully understand. He loved her so much; he would never force himself upon her. He would only knock and wait patiently for her answer.
 
He waited in tears watching her continue to build her own way.
 
“Don’t you see dear, I am still here. I have plans for you, I will give you a future and a hope...”
 
The sweetest words this girl had ever heard.
 
She found the strength to look up again.
 
The moment she said yes to him…
 
That precious moment..
 
She finally saw beauty again. She could begin to see herself for the first time.
 
Beautiful.
 
He had now given her the right tools, but it was up to her to throw away the old familiar ones.
 
She would fall a few more times, trying on her own. She would try to mix the new tools with the old. It wasn't working.
 
Then she kneeled down and asked again for his help.
 
“Jesus,” she said…
 
“Father” she whispered...
 
“Please take me life and show me how to use these new tools you have given me. Here is my hand, please lead me…”
 
She now stumbles along with him daily.
 
He is teaching her new things every day.

Perfection is out of reach here but finally, she can see love again.

Finally, she sees the truth.
 
Her true Father never left her side.
 
He promised he would turn her life around and bring her blessings and hope.
 
All she has to do is agree.
 
Amazing.
 
You see…
 
This little girl,
 
She was me.

Illusion
By: Me

Dear its not to late

There is still time for your inner beauty to be made complete
You can never run away from Him

Your sin is a lie

It makes you feel invisible, but He never leaves

He always loves
The perfect father
 
Just surrender
Just surrender
 
Living Water
Come and drink
 
You’re thirsty
His well is never empty
 
Come and bathe
Come and drink
 
Your sins are not remembered
 
They are washed away…
 
Dear turn to Him once again

There is still time

Time for your inner beauty to shine
 
He would love nothing more than for you to return

He has a ring and a robe, you are beautiful to Him
 
You never changed in his eyes.
 
He will make you feel beautiful, again
 
You will see who you are
 
He is always calling
The perfect Father
 
You are never alone
You are loved
 
Its who you are
You cannot turn from who you are

​Turn inside once again

The Beauty in Broken Pieces 
By: Me

​The pain unraveling years later
 
Why does it follow me
 
I have trusted you God
 
Where is the lasted peace?
 
Does this destiny follow me...
 
How can the first few years determine the rest?
 
Is this the plan you have for me?
 
He seemed different
The spark was there
 
and now, here I am
 
Again
 
How can I trust myself?
How do I trust my feelings, the ones never validated?
The ones that push, pull, and scream out to be heard
 
I struggle
 
I want to be love
 
I want to be loved
 
The struggle
The pain
The fear
 
Fear fear go away
I never wanted you hear anyway
 
I cannot help what happened when I was young
I am not that little girl anymore
 
Pushing and pulling in my chest
In my heart
 
Where is the healing
Must I repeat the cycle?
 
The destruction it all caused
 
Why must it continue
 
Taking back my life
Stealing back the pieces that were ripped apart
Trying to fit them all back together
 
Love is all that’s real.
Love is all that’s real.
Love is all that’s real.
 
Any moment can be the last
 
What will I learn in a moment that I could never learn here?
 
Love is all that’s real.
Love is all that’s real.
Love is all that’s real.
 
Maybe I will learn then, when my last breath comes out and I finally feel peace
 
Oh the struggle here…

Finally I am free
By: Me

It’s like a title wave finally lifted
It’s like she can breathe again
It’s like the sun just came out in years
It’s like she knows who she is again
 
I handed over my power, didn’t listen to the still small voice
 
This is not love
Love does not hurt…
 
You broke me down and picked off all my pedals
You put me in the dark
You used me to throw your own garbage into
You stuffed all your darkness down my throat
You shut me up and made me carry your dirt
 
Before you I was free
Before you I had worth
Before you I loved me
 
I lost myself.  You stole my heart.
 
Finally after the bruises
Finally after the brutal fight
 
I FINALLY WOKE UP
 
YOU NO LONGER FOOL ME
 
I feel like I am brand new again, the day I got the courage to leave you for good
I feel soft again
I feel free to dance and sing
I feel loved
 
I can feel God around me
 
Finally
 
I am free.
​

Dear Fear
By: Me

Dear Fear,
We have known one another for a while now. You tell me lies all the time, yet I keep letting you back in my life.
​You overwhelm me with what ifs.
What if you don’t ever get well. 
What if God does not want to heal you. 
What if you never accomplish your dreams. 
What if you never get to eat food that tastes good again. 
What if you have to live in chronic pain for the rest of your life. 
What if you can’t stick to the diet you need to follow to get well. 
What if your kids get the same illness as you, or something much worse. 
What if you can never feel intimacy with others because of your past abuse.
What if people do not recognize your worth. 
What if your life really means nothing at all.

So Dear Fear, you see, I do not love you anymore. I must admit, I used you for quite some time. You protect me in a sick sort of way. I use you as my shield. I do not have to risk loving others or myself when you are with me. I can use you as my excuse. Even if all of those what ifs come to pass, what does that really mean?

It means this 

 I will never have a healthy body on this side of heaven, but one day will have a brand-new body.
  God is using this illness to teach me invaluable lessons I will need on the other side
  My dreams were never what God had intended for me in the first place
Food is for nourishment not pleasure, and Jesus will greet me with a huge heavenly hot fudge sundae for my perseverance
 Daily pain forces me to remember this world is not home, and to not to be consumed by it
  If God wants me well, He can do it with any diet
 My kids have their own destinies on earth and all I can do is the best I can do
 If I never feel the depth of intimacy on earth again, Heaven will make up for it
  I know God recognizes me, even if others do not
·       If my life appears to mean nothing at all then so be it. I was given the opportunity to love and be loved

So you see, Fear, there is nothing you can say to me that really means anything at all. Most of what you say may be lies, but even if there is some truth in them, it does not matter in the end.

God is all that really matters and His purposes will overcome you.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. (1 John 4:16)

When I allow you to live with me, I choose to deny God in me. You cannot have both fear and love indwelling in the same heart at the same time. I am kicking you out of my life and choosing love because it is only love that never fails. Everything else will cease, all else will fail me in the end.

Dear Fear, it’s been way too long. I should have said goodbye many years ago. I must tell you the hard truth and that truth is this:
​
Love Wins.