She is now a women living in the lies of her childhood. Lies she had no defense over.
Child, he will wipe away those tears
Child, he will take hold of your hands
Child, he wants to give you life
It’s hard to believe in a life of pain and suffering It’s hard to say yes to a love to good to be true It’s hard to understand how much He really does love you
Women, He can take away those fears
Women, He can show you how beautiful you are
Women, He loves you more than anyone
It’s hard to say yes in a world of no's It’s hard to have faith in a mess of lies It’s hard to be alive among the dead
No one will escape suffering in this life
But in His perfect time, beauty will unfold
As a butterfly is sure to spread her wings
You will rise up out of this darkness into new life
In His time
Rest in faith
Suffering By: Me
Watch the little bird fly through the sky
twirl around and pretend you can fly
all too soon joy became vain
pain came from every direction
to steal her God away
Oh Jesus, oh Daddy
Where have you placed me?
This life is futile, this life is no longer free
Did I agree to this when I was younger
Do I not remember the prayer that got me here
I can't pretend with the best of them
I can't be disguised in the mob of unbelief
Life is moving faster
She screams out in agony
Oh Daddy Oh Jesus
Won't you please come down and save me.
Fire By: Me
Crying, balled up on the kitchen floor
Questions looming, needing answers
Peace is not enough, she needs to be spoken to
Is this what you want for me Lord? Am I going the right way?
The cost is too high to walk into carelessly
She rips the foil wrapper off her heart and exposes the truth
God I need you!
God please speak to me now!
I can’t do this without You!
If this is really what you have called me to, I need you to tell me clearly
Lord, this is so hard
This life is so hard
I need you now!
Those who sow in tears, will reap in joy
Those who count the cost will drink freely of the new wine
Those who walk through the fire will come out sanctified
Your Holy light fills her space
You love her as much now as you will when she is healed
You did not have to speak so clearly, but you did out of love
Into the fire she walks with his hand leading the way
Oh beautiful daughter of mine, your Father does know best
Find rest in Me as you walk
Laying down the fight, to surrender to the storm
Into the fire she walks…
To my Mom By: Me
Tears fall as I remember your soft loving voice So much joy you brought to our lives Your heart was so tender, your hugs were deep Your presents were many every Christmas You loved to shower us with gifts
You had a deep love for music I never heard you swear
Your heart was filled with pride over all your grandchildren You never said No when I needed help, I would not be who I am today without you
You played horsey with Grace, and iron man with Jeremy You prayed for me daily
You were always there to answer my calls You listened to my problems You gave me sound advice You were my number one encourager and fan in life
Too soon I have to write this… I wish I could have said a proper goodbye I know you are in glory now But that doesn't take away deaths sting
Oh Mom how much I love you, I wish I could hug you tight just one last time
Life is unexpected Suffering is deep
Oh Mom how I wish you was here to help me through this… Another hard lesson learned for me
Don’t sweat the small stuff, I promise it doesn't matter in the end Hold your loved ones daily, kiss their cheeks often
Life is fleeting… It’s gone in one breath.
Mom, you are deeply missed.
I love you. 4/24/50 - 9/10/2013
When it doesn't get better By:Me
The pain awakens me too early for the day
I fight the fear as I get out of bed
What will this day be like? How much pain will today bring? How many smiles do I need to fake today?
The world is not sympathetic and I must go on I thought answers had come, but I am left here in confusion as the flare starts again
My entire life has to revolve around a bathroom I get the kids ready to go to the store, the first stop is always the bathroom Anxiety kicks in when I go to the park and see there is no bathroom Try to explain to the kids why we have to leave early
I get no pleasure from food or drink No one understands this silent pain
Only those who have been handed this daily monster can really relate
I have prayed for God to take me home early. I admit I am so weak Admitting I could live with this forever is to much for me to bear
My kids keep me going, without them I would not get out of bed You do not see the real me, because you could not handle the misery
This life has done nothing but throw me curve balls, just once I need a break
Oh Lord, where are you?
I am sick of people throwing out Bible verses. They have no clue.
I am sick of unanswered prayers
When people pray for me it causes more disappointment when nothing changes Where is the comfort you promise in your word?
I don't need people to tell me you are testing me. I don't believe in a God who would hand over chronic pain to someone to test them
I am angry most of the time
The guilt over the wife and Mom I am forced to be is overpowering
Oh God. Where are you. No, I never thought life would be perfect with you, but I did expect to have comfort through the pain
I feel abandoned by God again
This is only the truth
No commenting please
Written while I was in years of nonstop pain from IC/PBS
Daddy was a Monster By: Me
My daddy was a monster No really. No fairy tails here He tore apart love with his teeth He spilled venom everywhere he walked He killed my mom Her spirit was broken but her love for us remained She held on as long as she could
Come dear and sit here Come dear Come near Come and watch me
Im big and tall yes I have a deep scary voice yes you are so small helpless incomplete
Come dear and sit here Come dear I saved this seat just. for. you.
My eyes are red like fire Im going to kill her Im going to make you watch
Come dear sit here
I saved the brown recliner just. for. you.
Im going to force you to hate her Im going to force you to call her a bitch
Yes the mom you love so much.
You are supposed to trust me. You are supposed to love me.
Come dear sit here
Im going to fuck you up for life.
Im so angry.
Get the fuck off her! You dirty fucking man I must call dad. Why am I SO SMALL! Why can't I get you off her! Why wont you stop screaming at her!
Why do you hate her so much!
What will I do when she is dead? I will be left with you. You sick fuck.
Mommy I want to protect you Mommy I am so sorry.
I did not mean it, he made me call you a bitch.
He told me he would kill you if I didn't.
Mommy I love you.
Mommy who will rescue you!
And the cops bang on the door…
and life keeps going...
Father By: Me
My father died when I was young, but my real Father has been there all along
My father was jaded, hated, lost, and confused, but my real Father is perfect, loves all, knows the right direction and never hesitates to show me the way
My father spoke word curses over my life causing dysfunction, pain, and confusion, but my real Father erased those marks with compassion and redemption
My father made me speak abuse about my mother and made me watch as he hurt her, but my real Father restored my relationship with my Mother and works to heal her from the abuse
My father choose to place me in the middle of his circle of chaos, but my real Father rescued me and set me in his circle of acceptance and peace
My father fed me poison on a dirty fork, but my real Father feeds me wisdom on a silver spoon
My father left me more than once, but my real Father promises to never leave
My father gave me a gift of pennies from the burnt hole in his pocket, but my real Father gives me irreplaceable blessings set aside for a princess
My father took my smile and locked it up in a cage, but my real Father had the key the whole time
My father only loved me when it was convenient for him, but my real Father loved me even when I hated him
My father taught me that life is a battle and we will never win
My real Father taught me that Love Always Wins.....
Betrayed By: Me
Take me in... Give me roses, give me love Kiss me..tenderly Take my hand and tell me you love me
Fallen in love without a choice
It was your choice to make me feel things I was too young to feel
Older, stronger, you carried me down the old winding stairs From truth and honesty down to a circus of confusion Everywhere I turned lies were thrown my way. Expected to catch them, there was no other way
You placed them at first gently in my lap, then you forcefully shoved them down my throat as you laughed
So young, so broken and now I have lost my way home
Just when my stuffing had come out of my seams you choose then to let me loose and abandon me
Where or where do I go now? I am so lost down in this place you have led me down...
Trapped in black darkness where you led me... just for the sole purpose of abandoning me
Only a miracle could save me now
You locked me down and only came around every once in a while
Help me, please help me...I scratch at my face
Love me, please love me..like you did before you led me down to this filthy place
Is there anyone who understands this betrayal? Is there anyone who will respond to my prayers?
Just a child you see...
Just another mindless tragedy.
Suicide By: Me
Good News By: Me
Born without a choice Abandoned without a choice Hated without a choice Raped without a choice
Who will this girl become? Where is God in her life?
She cries out in wonder. She cries out in tears.
No happy home to comfort her dying soul No answers to the question, "Am I beautiful? Am I enough?
No one sees her tears and no one even cares
She starts to get mad, so she takes everything out on herself It’s like she knows deep down she would be hurting God most
Starving and addicted she now moves through her days She invited this chaos to stay
Others continue to mock her, others only see her skin Her heart is deeply hidden, never to be hurt again
Sin led her so many different places, but down she continued to fall Finally, someone sees her heart buried under her transgressions and shortfalls
The struggle to freedom begins. Her past demons prove to be stronger than she thought. They pull at her in every direction and confuse all her thoughts.
Others around her confessed to walk in the light, although she found less comfort in them then her past friends in the dark.
Confused she searched in all directions looking for the truth
He gently pulled her out of the circle and observed her heart with his eyes. Sweet Grace and Forgiveness were piercing through into her heart. His eyes melted away all her sin. His eyes could see deep into the center of her ice cold heart.
This was not the God of judgment she has grown up to believe in, this was a God of Love and Mercy, a God of new beginnings.
It was like he gave her a brand new heart. She was blind, and now she can see. She was lost and now she is found.
She was dead
Now she’s alive
He wrapped a sparkling white robe around her and put a beautiful shiny pendant around her neck She could not be mistaken for someone else's now. He took away all her past regrets When she looks to wander away, he pulls her closer to his heart.
The Good News is so much more than words
It's radiant light gives birth to new life
Oh the wonder of the Cross
The Key By: Me
The light of the world chooses to shine in us
I reached out my hand
teach me your ways
I turned and there waiting was the golden key to my forbidden door
Never before had I been able to open it, never had I even been this close
I turned back around with the door placed in front of me, and I slowly turned the key...
Your Majesty, your Beauty, your Glory...is all around me and never had I before seen
Suddenly as I stepped through my rags turned radiant white. I never knew anything could be so pure and full of light
My shame causes me to want to step back...how can this be? How can the Lord of the universe really love me?
As I stand there trembling about to collapse in my disgrace...
Your hand outstretches beneath me as grace holds me
You will not let me fall, you will not allow me to go back out the door
You have plans for me, and never would I have known…
If I would have stayed away in my shame and let torment become my life calling
The Testimony By: Me
As a small child she prayed A special knowing of God’s love resounded in her heart Alone and abandoned her thoughts had no defense Eventually the abuse distorted her God given identity Love was a distant memory Darkness surrounded Defense mechanisms form Survival is her only hope
Pride promises identity Fear promises shelter Anger promises protection
Lies Lies Lies
The father of lies laughs as she cries He brings her poison to mend her wounds She takes it, not seeing another solution Addiction quickly takes root
What she couldn’t see was the answer had been waiting all along The light never left her Sin clouds over the truth
One decision of the will forever changes the heart Pride, fear, and anger dissolve as the clouds of sin part Light comes bursting forth cutting through all past disappointments
All consuming Life giving Hope delivers healing His love cost something
Receiving the blessings from His sacrifice Passion for Him now rules her life Hunger grows as she feeds off His bread Healing flows as she drinks out of His cup Dead religion cannot compare His presence is real His breath is electrifying
Breathing life into hearts of those who choose Him He never disappoints His grip holds tight even through suffering and death Nothing can separate us from his great love
He is love
The father of lies shouts, “Too good to be true”!
Jesus whispers, “I have defeated you”.
Bring your dirty hands before Him God is in the business of transformation
Ashes transform into diamonds Darkness renovates into magnificent light Mud hardens as His fire brings forth shine
Turn your life over to Him
He will create a marvelous work of art
His creativity is never ending He is the source of life itself
The Truth By: Me
Try and run in front of it Turn your back to it Don't look at it Try and replace it Give it a new name Pretend it's not there Fill yourself with other things hoping there will be no room for it Stuff it down inside and don't think about it Make fun of others who embrace it Hate it Do what you want, it will never change The truth
The Struggle By: Me
She was born into chaos, but love was watching her first cry
She was raised in confusion, but wisdom would eventually become her guiding light
She felt lost and alone, but the comfort of a mighty Savior was near
Her imagination was her rescue and her hope was in her prayers.
Just a small child, so helpless and incomplete
She stumbled and fell daily until the bottom had become too deep
Abandonment became the curse over her life
Will she be broken and accept this free gift of life?
Or will she choose to live out the curse
...and live in filthy dirty lies?
Dear oh dear, if I could go back and tell you what I know...
Would it change your mind? Would it give you just a glimmer of hope?
Sometimes a glimpse is all you need. To change the hands of time and reverse your born into identity
Leave Me Alone By: Me
I tried to run, you let me. For a while Then you showed up right in front of me
So deep, this pain
So empty I feel
Its so cold here
Its so scary
I am shaking
I want to hide
The floor is so cold
The air is so dark
My skin is withering and cracking
My wounds are seeping out
My soul cries out for healing
But I don't know what the bandaid looks like
I have looked everywhere trying to find out
Jesus you did not come through for me
Lots of money, you don't bring peace
Romance and sex, you don't last
Here I am again So cold here So alone
Who am I? Who loves me? Why cant I feel love? Why cant I give love like I see?
You don't know me
If you did You. would. leave. Who are you inside of me and why wont you leave.
Devil's Play ground By: Me
Mind Blowing Clubs.
Breakthrough By: Me
He tore the veil, and it’s time to heal why did you wait so long? “so you can help others” the voice gently says
Just in time I was going under again Intimacy is a curse word to me Why could I not see?
It’s like I was held under the water I could no longer breathe; I looked up through the waves A small light in the distance would not let go of me With others prayer, the light got larger and larger until it finally took hold of me Your glory abounds The weight is lifted PRAISE THE LORD I was blinded and now I finally see You are the Lord, and you will heal me
You think no one can feel the pain your in You say no one cares The truth is, we all have our pain We all have the same human condition No one is exempt here Not the millionaire, not the most beautiful girl Not the saint, not the sinner Not the popular, not the loner Not the leave it to beaver, no one Maybe its not that they don’t care, maybe its deeper Maybe we are too busy thinking about how nobody loves us either Maybe we are all stuck inside of our own hollow shells We want to see who you really are, but we are too busy protecting ourselves We all have our instruments We have played them since we were young You play them without thought now You are part of one big masterpiece You thought you were the composer You come to realize your dreams never mattered You were never meant to be the master potter Pain, struggle, and isolation They all have their place in the final uncovering
Contemplating (Living with IC) By: Me
It's life altering
It brings you to thoughts of death
Death seems more comfortable than life
for a time
You think you cannot live one more day with this disease
and thats when they tell you it will never go away
Fear is so crippling
It quickly leads to thoughts of death
Alone, you would finally be free
A still small voice breaks through the darkness
Even in pain, life is worth it
Courage springs up
Courage looks misery in the face
Courage says all is not lost even in this world of pain
Courage will live on
The God given spirit to fight when all seems lost
Have the courage to have hope
When one dies, others will die too
The cycle of love is broken when you choose death
When God is ready for you, you will be home without effort
Have the faith to trust, even in your pain he has a reason for your life
Let the tears fall
Scream out your fears
Do what you must
But you must move on.
Victorious Overcomer By: Me
A baby’s cry Oh the wonder begins The first breath comes in strain Missing that comfortable place The umbilical cord is cut, but the spiritual cord remains Everyone is watching You are expected to make something of all this The wounded puzzle pieces start to fall into place
Who will this child become? It usually ends where it begins
A life marked in suffering We do not choose our childhood
Confusion Separation Where is daddy? Am I valuable? Am I worthy to be loved?
Dancing around lies Oh Child Your worth is not tied to this place Earth is not home
You are always connected to His love, the cord was never broken One day you will return
Everything is recorded Imparted adoration Constant attention He is thrilled with you He chases you with delight and grace
The battle is raging all around you The fight for your worship remains
Your life is being woven together in goodwill and harmony
Victorious overcomer will be your name
This title does not come easy Nothing good ever does Just remember child, This is not home When the 2nd cord is broken, face to face you will see
This life you now live was only preparing you for your true identity
Victorious Overcomer This will be your name.
When I go By: me
Only one name worthy of such praise In awe… Thinking of the day I leave To hear the sweet music that finally sets my soul free My faith will come full circle, and I will be complete
No more wavering, no more tears. No more wondering, no more fears
Face to face I will see. Face to face I will praise. Face to face I will fall at His feet in victory My soul jumps out at the thought of such glory
My judgment wants to tell me it’s too good to be true. Have I been so hurt I can no longer believe? This world has left me empty and longing for more
Could it be, could there really be a reason we are not satisfied here? Could it all be true, this unsettling longing was placed deep into our hearts by a loving creator He wants to know you. He wants us to search. He is longing for us to meet him He satisfies. He satisfies. He satisfies. No interesting quote can satisfy this soul No book can calm my fears and bring me lasting peace One minute at a time we are called to live this life We never know when our last will come I want to be ready on that day. I want to hear…Well done. Well done dear. Only by his sweet grace When I rise Don’t cry for me Sing to Him Praise Him for saving me
Dear Missy By: Me
Oh dear please open up to me Allow me To love you
I know you are furious. I know you are wounded. I know you were not loved.
I know it was evil.
Missy Please open up to me Your hard shell was once needed, yes It is no longer needed dear
But you hate me too You call me names You tell me I am fat and ugly You tell me I am not smart You tell me people don’t love me Why would I open up to you I need to protect myself from you, to I will lay here in this ball, with these chains until I feel safe
I am so sorry, dear I am so sorry I have not loved you I am so sorry I have not protected you
We are older now We cannot change the past No, they did not love you but I can Now.
Please allow me in. Please melt down so I can touch your heart.
Please connect with me... I want to know you.
I want to allow you to play and be free
I want you to feel like the child you are. I want you to be loved.
Missy, you are loved!
I’m sorry I just cannot trust you yet. You have hurt me too much You have not given me love You constantly tell me I am not good enough I cannot relax with you You ignore me And tell me my needs don’t matter why don’t you love me Bring me my teddy bear please
Day by day I will come to you, I will show you I am here I am not leaving, I will love you no matter what tantrum you throw at me I will not ignore you I will help your wounds heal
Please dear, please forgive me
I will bring you love in a hundred different ways Even through this daily pain you give me I will love you still.
I pray one day you will open up and show me who you really are
I pray one day you will trust me enough to be free and play
I pray one day you will delight in your soul
I will not give up on you
I will love you.
Love the one in front of you By: Me
Be the change you wish to see
Love the one in front of you
Whats my purpose you ask?
Why am I here?
Its not so complicated dear
Love the one in front of you
Be the change you wish to see
What should I do with my time?
How do I know if I am doing the right things?
Quiet your fears my dear and listen to your heart
See the one in front of you
Listen to their tears
Move your hand towards theirs
Love the one in front of you
Be the change you wish to see
What does God want me to do?
What did he create me for?
How do I know if I am on the right path?
Come close to my heart dear
Accept my love and quiet your confusion
There are no hoops to jump through
There is no puzzle to put together
You are perfect You are loved You have value You have purpose
Just the way you are
Love the one in front of you Be the change you wish to see
You are perfect in your struggles You are loved
...Accept my love and pass it on...
Be Still By: Me
I see the fear
I feel the fear
The screams are real
The ball of protection is forming all around me
Its squeezing me
I should be soundly sleeping in dreams of childhood bliss
You pull me from my comfort
You torture my soul with death
I can’t see who I really am
I can no longer feel the love which surrounds
You were small
You were scared
You saw the fear
You felt the fear
It was dark
The screams around you were real
A ball of protection formed around you
It constricted you
It squeezed you
You should have been sleeping in childhood bliss
You were pulled from all your comfort
Your soul was tortured with death
You lost site of who you really were
You could no longer feel the love surround
You got lost in your anger
and you passed your pain on…
All that is true is forgotten
You can no longer see the man you were made to be
The truth still remains even though its hidden
Love is all that’s real. Love is all that’s real. Love is all that’s real.
Breaking through the shadows Breaking through the tears
Fear must dissipate when the truth appears
In this life you were not able to break free Death called you home
I forgive you for the madness I break off the walls of protection so I can feel Gods love
One day we will meet again, in all His Glory, in all His Grace
I will get to meet the man you kept deeply hidden due to your own pain
Our embrace will be untainted Our love will be pure
All the torture, all the pain, will be washed away
Living in the in-between Struggling to find healing Struggling to live in the truth
Resting to believe
Be Still.. and know.. I am God. Be Still.. and know.. I am God.
Be Still Dear
I am God.
Be Still Dear. Rest in Me.
I Once Knew this Girl By: Me
I once knew this girl
I once knew this little girl. She had golden hair, big beautiful green eyes, and a smile that couldn’t figure out how to form.
Her heart was so soft, tender. She loved all the little insects and animals she came in contact with.
She would twirl around for hours in the breezy summer days looking up to the sky. The clouds amazed her. She would stare up in awe of how small she felt and how large her God was. She felt like God was holding her hand when she focused on the sky.
What a safe place.
She would lay down on the soft green grass and stare straight up into the blue sky. She noticed the funny shapes of the clouds and wondered to herself what animal they resembled most.
At night, she loved to go outside and run in circles. She would twirl around until her head hurt and she had no choice but to fall to the ground.
She looked up and saw the shining stars. Again in awe of the beauty of her God. She could feel Gods love pouring into her through those stars.
Catching lighting bugs became a favorite hobby. She would poke holes in the jar so that they could breathe. When one did die, she felt sorrow, but knew their soul had gone off to a better place.
This girl, she was special. Her heart was one of a kind.
She took dead birds she found outside into the house to make them a proper funeral. She would carefully wrap them in a pretty cloth and then pray over them, making sure they made it to heaven.
When I remember her, the tears start rolling down my face.
One by one, then two by two…
Faster they stream when I look into the mirror.
This girl was already broken. So young, so innocent, she could not have known. Her innocence protected her from seeing the truth.
Slowly, she stopped twirling.
She stopped looking up into the sky.
She stopped feeling safe.
She had been robbed.
She no longer trusted that the love she felt was true.
She completely forgot how to smile.
She got lost.
She knew something had gone terribly wrong. She felt like she could not get back home.
She didn’t know that it wasn’t her that was the wrong.
She couldn’t see how someone else’s sin had torn her road apart.
She could no longer see any beauty.
She was beauty. If she was no longer able to recognize beauty,
She could no longer recognize herself.
She needed to create her own love. She tried, and tried, like the book her father gave her. The Little Engine that Could.
She was very strong willed. She tried all she knew.
She used all the tools that had been given to her. She tried to work these tools in all different ways.
She kept thinking, “if only I could figure out the right way to use these tools, then I would be loved.”
No matter how she use these tools, no matter how many different men she got to help her, it never worked.
Actually, she managed to dig herself further down with their help.
There was someone who never forgot her beauty though.
There was someone who remembered her soft heart.
There was someone who was watching and protecting her the whole time.
There was someone who could hand her the right tools and even teach her how to use them.
There was someone.
Someone who loved her so much, in a way she would never fully understand. He loved her so much; he would never force himself upon her. He would only knock and wait patiently for her answer.
He waited in tears watching her continue to build her own way.
“Don’t you see dear, I am still here. I have plans for you, I will give you a future and a hope...”
The sweetest words this girl had ever heard.
She found the strength to look up again.
The moment she said yes to him…
That precious moment..
She finally saw beauty again. She could begin to see herself for the first time.
He had now given her the right tools, but it was up to her to throw away the old familiar ones.
She would fall a few more times, trying on her own. She would try to mix the new tools with the old. It wasn't working.
Then she kneeled down and asked again for his help.
“Jesus,” she said…
“Father” she whispered...
“Please take me life and show me how to use these new tools you have given me. Here is my hand, please lead me…”
She now stumbles along with him daily.
He is teaching her new things every day.
Perfection is out of reach here but finally, she can see love again.
Finally, she sees the truth.
Her true Father never left her side.
He promised he would turn her life around and bring her blessings and hope.
All she has to do is agree.
This little girl,
She was me.
Illusion By: Me
Dear its not to late
There is still time for your inner beauty to be made complete You can never run away from Him
Your sin is a lie
It makes you feel invisible, but He never leaves
He always loves The perfect father
Just surrender Just surrender
Living Water Come and drink
You’re thirsty His well is never empty
Come and bathe Come and drink
Your sins are not remembered
They are washed away…
Dear turn to Him once again
There is still time
Time for your inner beauty to shine
He would love nothing more than for you to return
He has a ring and a robe, you are beautiful to Him
You never changed in his eyes.
He will make you feel beautiful, again
You will see who you are
He is always calling The perfect Father
You are never alone You are loved
Its who you are You cannot turn from who you are
Turn inside once again
The Beauty in Broken Pieces By: Me
The pain unraveling years later
Why does it follow me
I have trusted you God
Where is the lasted peace?
Does this destiny follow me...
How can the first few years determine the rest?
Is this the plan you have for me?
He seemed different The spark was there
and now, here I am
How can I trust myself? How do I trust my feelings, the ones never validated? The ones that push, pull, and scream out to be heard
I want to be love
I want to be loved
The struggle The pain The fear
Fear fear go away I never wanted you hear anyway
I cannot help what happened when I was young I am not that little girl anymore
Pushing and pulling in my chest In my heart
Where is the healing Must I repeat the cycle?
The destruction it all caused
Why must it continue
Taking back my life Stealing back the pieces that were ripped apart Trying to fit them all back together
Love is all that’s real. Love is all that’s real. Love is all that’s real.
Any moment can be the last
What will I learn in a moment that I could never learn here?
Love is all that’s real. Love is all that’s real. Love is all that’s real.
Maybe I will learn then, when my last breath comes out and I finally feel peace
Oh the struggle here…
Finally I am free By: Me
It’s like a title wave finally lifted It’s like she can breathe again It’s like the sun just came out in years It’s like she knows who she is again
I handed over my power, didn’t listen to the still small voice
This is not love Love does not hurt…
You broke me down and picked off all my pedals You put me in the dark You used me to throw your own garbage into You stuffed all your darkness down my throat You shut me up and made me carry your dirt
Before you I was free Before you I had worth Before you I loved me
I lost myself. You stole my heart.
Finally after the bruises Finally after the brutal fight
I FINALLY WOKE UP
YOU NO LONGER FOOL ME
I feel like I am brand new again, the day I got the courage to leave you for good I feel soft again I feel free to dance and sing I feel loved
I can feel God around me
I am free.
Dear Fear By: Me
Dear Fear, We have known one another for a while now. You tell me lies all the time, yet I keep letting you back in my life. You overwhelm me with what ifs. What if you don’t ever get well. What if God does not want to heal you. What if you never accomplish your dreams. What if you never get to eat food that tastes good again. What if you have to live in chronic pain for the rest of your life. What if you can’t stick to the diet you need to follow to get well. What if your kids get the same illness as you, or something much worse. What if you can never feel intimacy with others because of your past abuse. What if people do not recognize your worth. What if your life really means nothing at all.
So Dear Fear, you see, I do not love you anymore. I must admit, I used you for quite some time. You protect me in a sick sort of way. I use you as my shield. I do not have to risk loving others or myself when you are with me. I can use you as my excuse. Even if all of those what ifs come to pass, what does that really mean?
It means this
I will never have a healthy body on this side of heaven, but one day will have a brand-new body. God is using this illness to teach me invaluable lessons I will need on the other side My dreams were never what God had intended for me in the first place Food is for nourishment not pleasure, and Jesus will greet me with a huge heavenly hot fudge sundae for my perseverance Daily pain forces me to remember this world is not home, and to not to be consumed by it If God wants me well, He can do it with any diet My kids have their own destinies on earth and all I can do is the best I can do If I never feel the depth of intimacy on earth again, Heaven will make up for it I know God recognizes me, even if others do not · If my life appears to mean nothing at all then so be it. I was given the opportunity to love and be loved
So you see, Fear, there is nothing you can say to me that really means anything at all. Most of what you say may be lies, but even if there is some truth in them, it does not matter in the end.
God is all that really matters and His purposes will overcome you.
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. (1 John 4:16)
When I allow you to live with me, I choose to deny God in me. You cannot have both fear and love indwelling in the same heart at the same time. I am kicking you out of my life and choosing love because it is only love that never fails. Everything else will cease, all else will fail me in the end.
Dear Fear, it’s been way too long. I should have said goodbye many years ago. I must tell you the hard truth and that truth is this: Love Wins.
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