Why...

​We all have a story being written.  In beautiful stories every human emotion is felt.  Think of your favorite movies and novels.  They don’t start out perfect, everything stays perfect, and then it ends perfectly. 
 
No.
 
Instead you find hardship, pain, struggle, love, joy, confusion, wondering.  What will happen at the end?  Sometimes the best stories leave us with a longing to understand more.
The question of why is not always answered.  We are left to come up with our own conclusions and wonder how they relate to our own lives. 
 
We fall in love and sure we will be together forever, and then we are not…
 
We experience deep closeness and friendship, and then it ends…
 
We are vibrant with health and joy, and then our health is taken away…
 
We loose a loved one we never thought we could live without.
 
Death steals what we held dear.
 
Illness comes at the worst time.  Is there ever a good time?
 
The questions of WHY don’t seem to get answered.  Every struggle does not come wrapped up neatly with an answer on why its happening.  Is there even a reason why?  These are questions we are faced with in our own personal stories.
 
I have asked why many times in life. 
 
Why did I have to grow up in a chaotic painful environment?  Why didn’t I get to experience love from a father?  Why did the first painful 10 years of my life seem to dictate the rest of my life?  Why can’t I find myself relaxing when good things happen?  Why couldn’t I make my marriage work?  Why couldn’t I be different?  Why can’t I seem to accept the love that is given to me freely now? Why did I get very ill at the start of something that should have been beautiful?  Why did I have to live in horrible pain for 8 years while my children were young? Why can’t I make the changes I so desperately want to make?

Why.
 
In the middle of all my whys, the many years of whys as my story was being written, there were also a lot of joys. When amazing things happened to me and love surrounded, why didn’t I ask why then?  Why is it only the bad things that make me ponder? 
 
Maybe they were not bad. Maybe my mindset is off. Maybe, I needed them to to get to the joys.  Maybe I needed them to find my purpose.  One day I believe I will see clearly when I pass on to be with God.  I believe I will get to see my life in truth, and finally understand.  Here I am left waiting.. we are all left wondering with our questions about our stories.  I am finding the courage to believe it was all good, even though it felt so bad at the time. 
 
Getting sick with IC was a huge time out.  I could not longer focus on anything other than my own pain.  The searching for answers consumed me.  My life became very small.  I did not understand at the time why it was happening and I am still not sure I understand.  Now that I have been healed for a few years, I can look back and see some blessings.  What would have happened to me if I was not forced to change my diet?  Anyone who can survive that kind of pain also develops a strong will.  Was it preparing me for something greater?  Was it strengthening me for my future?  Was it giving me empathy for others? 

Was it developing a new kind of love in me, for myself and others, that I never had before?
 
I have to believe all the struggle, all the tears have reasons which are greater than what I can see now.  I may never understand all the whys here, but I will have courage to believe there is a deeper meaning, one that is developing me into the person I was meant to be. 
 
Trust where you are right now, and believe there is a bigger purpose.  The courage you have, the strong heart you carry is what makes you beautiful.  No matter how bad your pain is right now, you have an amazing story being written.  Don’t give up on it yet.  Don’t put your pen down. Your story is all yours and only yours.  You have purpose that no one else can fulfill.  You are unique. 
 
Just keep writing…

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