I have been 206 pounds, granted I was 9 months pregnant, but I only went down to 186 after I had him. It took over a year to get the weight off until I had another child and the cycle continued.
I have also been 105 pounds, 120 pounds, 148 pounds, and 165 pounds. I have gone up and down like a roller coaster throughout the years until I was forced to learn how to properly eat for my body type while healing my disease.
I still will gain weight quickly if I eat a few days of refined sugar or grains.
When I got to 105 (6 pounds underweight according to my BMI) is when I felt the most disgusted and not beautiful. It's ironic because in my teens and younger years I always thought if I could just get as skinny as the models then I would be happy with my body.
I could not eat most foods at the time because eating was the cause of my bladder pain. I was forced to only eat eggs, meat, and broccoli because every other food caused me issues. When you have IC you have open sores in your bladder, chemicals from food in your urine cause the pain to be worse. Its like pouring substances on an open wound. OUCH!
During this time in my life I was angry. I was fearful. I was closed off to the rest of the world. I hated myself. I felt ugly no matter how skinny I was.
People would find out I was sick and their first words would be, "But you look so great, look how skinny you are now!"
Please people, DO NOT comment on someones looks when they tell you they are chronically ill.
I could not understand why I had to be sick and I felt like God was cursing me.
I did not care about my weight anymore. I just wanted to be out of pain.
Even though I was skinny, I was not feeling beautiful because my soul was not free. I believed lies. Beauty is in the soul, and only in the soul. If you believe by loosing 25 pounds you will be more beautiful, you are wrong. You will be thinner. You will be able to wear a smaller size of clothing. You may feel sexier with your clothes off but If you hate your body at 150 pounds, you might be disappointed to find out you don't like it at 115 pounds.
Don't get me wrong, I understand the motivations for wanting to be thinner and having more energy. Feeling like you look hot is a great thing, just make sure you love yourself at each weight and look deep inside to see your soul beauty. We all have it. I had it when I was 105 and feeling bad for myself. I just could not see it.
No one is perfect. Not one. We all have a life of regrets, guilt, and choices we wish we had not made. We also have joy, love, and amazing experiences we created! Its all relative and all part of our beautiful story here. What good movie have you ever seen with absolutely no hardship? Every great story has suffering.
Look in the mirror every morning and look at your amazing God given body no matter what the scale says. Think of all your body has been through and it's still working for you! Every mark, dot, and dimple is amazingly beautiful. Now look into your eyes. Eyes have said to be the window to the soul. Can you see yourself? Can you see into your heart?
You are wonderfully and magnificently made!
You are BEAUTIFUL! Believe it! If you don't believe it now, keep repeating it over and over until you do! Once you believe it you will feel free no matter how much your scale number moves or doesn't move.
Melissa is the Author of Healing Through the Pain How I overcame Interstitial Cystitis. She writes about health (physical, emotional and spiritual) from a vulnerable place, after overcoming Interstitial Cystitis and still battling emotional illness. She is passionate about helping women realize their ability to make changes and move forward from difficult situations in their lives.
If you have any poetry you would like to submit do so to the email below.