​Interstitial Cystitis /Painful Bladder Syndrome Chronicles: Part One

I was 25 years old.  

​I was young and looked healthy on the outside.  Long blonde hair, slim figure, and clear skin. I was recently married, excited to start my new life as a stay at home wife and mom with my Christian husband.  I had just come out of some very painful dark years due to continuous childhood trauma.  I had a light in my eyes and hope in my heart. Major depression and anxiety were familiar to me, and always had been.  A year earlier I had excepted Jesus as my Savior and made many changes with Gods guidance.  I was excited for my future with God leading my life.  
 
I tried to ignore the continuous bladder frequency that was developing over the year.  
 
I remember being on dates with my x-husband before we were married, I would have to visit the bathroom 5 or 6 times in a few hours.  I knew something wasn’t right, but I was so excited to get on with my new life in Christ, I assumed everything would resolve on its own. We would try to make jokes about it nervously.
 
After all, I was in God’s hands now.  Surely, he would not allow something terrible to happen to me after all the abuse I endured in childhood and subsequent mental illness that resulted. 

Some of the diagnosis I have received over the years before this were:  Major Depression and Anxiety, C- PTSD, That was probably the most shameful diagnosis of all, and has caused quite a bit of damage in my personal life. Attracting unhealthy relationships that mimicked my trauma.
 
I believed it was my sinful ways that caused all this.  I was saved now, and God would deliver me from it all!

I just had to believe in Him, and allow the Holy Spirit to guide me every day.  I had to submit my own will at his feet, and take up my cross.  He would then keep me from harm.
 
I wish it was this simple. 
 
I wish there was a formula to share that worked. Something I could tell you in a neat little 1 page blog. 
 
Do this, then that, and this again, and a little of that, and you will be cured of all pain!  
 
Nope, that’s not what this is about.  We are all very unique and we all need different care.  The key is putting together your own puzzle. I can help you, I can’t do it for you.
 
Even with all these Bible verses I was memorizing and prayers I started to scream out, the bladder frequency increased, more and more.  I was now peeing at least 25 times a day. Then, the pain started. The relentless burning, stabbing, searing, shards of glass.. pain.. in my bladder and urethra.  I was sure I had a bladder infection.  I kept going to the urologist, he would do a dip test and tell me there was blood in my pee, but no infection was showing. He sent me home.  He was frustrated with me. 
 
I was frustrated with me. 
 
Why is there always something wrong with me?  Can’t I finally just have peace? A peaceful body, a peaceful mind.  
 
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.  
 
God promised me peace if I came to him.  I was praying constantly in the bathroom, in my bed all night because the pain would not allow me to sleep.  I just had my 2nd baby boy.  I was blessed to be able to stay home with him.  The postpartum hormone disaster and the relentless bladder pain caused my major depression to return in the worst way.  I had a beautiful home, a husband who loved us, a new healthy baby and I was a depressed anxious mess in constant pain praying for God to help me and show me what was happening.  I still didn’t even know what the hell was wrong with me. The church said it must be caused by the devil, or my own mind!  After all, I looked healthy on the outside.  The doctor said I was fine.. So, I must be crazy or making all this up…

Or NOT.

​To be continued...

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