I was thinking yesterday, I wonder what it’s like to not feel heavy emotional pain over my chest all the time? What would it be like to be "normal" and be able to feel a range of emotions without pain? I wish life would allow me just a sliver of this.. this joy thing... I hear about...without being tainted with black all the time.
This illness prevails over the more intimate places of life meant to be truly enjoyed. To feel joy. To feel the closeness of my husband. To be able to fully give of myself in open love. I try to do these things but it feels like there is a hand over them all telling me, no this is not for you. The emotional physical pain I feel in my chest clouds over experiences I feel we were here to live with abandon and experience love. Depression steals life while you are actively living it.
I am fully functioning, and have never let this get so bad that I could not provide for my kids, go to work, and perform all the daily tasks that tell others I am a fully functioning human. Well that is not true, 20 years ago I sat in a forced hospital stay as the doctors worked out my diagnosis of C-PTSD and major depression. Since I was a young child I remember the feeling of deep pain in my chest, it never went away unless it was party drug induced. As I got older and went through the process of healing Interstitial Cystitis and had to change my diet, I figured out that when I completely stay away from all refined sugar, natural sugars, grains, alcohol, and dairy my symptoms would improve, but before they do my body goes through some sort of detox and I feel much worse for about a week as I transition. I also figured out the 2 weeks before my period is MUCH worse than the other two weeks of the month. Even though I have had a hysterectomy now, I kept my ovaries so I still get this PMDD hell and I can tell you exactly what day I am in my cycle due to my emotions.
Well you think, isn't this is fantastic, she found something that can help with her depression! The problem - it’s VERY hard to stick to a diet like this in this culture we live in. No ice cream - ever. When you want to bring your kids for a treat you just need to sit and drool instead of partaking. No wine at the party, no alcohol, EVER. No cookies (even gluten sugar free) no corn chips to dip in your salsa, forget tortillas for your tacos. No freshly made popcorn, (my favorite food)
Just a BUNCH OF FREAKING NOOOOOOOSSSSSS... This diet is a sort of hell in itself. What it does to your thoughts surrounding food is not healthy. Everything is off limits or there is guilt.
So, when I am feeling better I get a bit cocky and the thoughts start. Yes, I can have a paleo made chocolate treat..yes I can have some wine. Sure, a bit of home made freshly popped popcorn with coconut oil can't be that bad? And all is ok for a bit.. until it isn't.. and it hits me like a mack truck.. hence the crying for no reason and feeling like death is closing in on me.. when nothing at all is outwardly wrong. Then I realize my diet has become a bit to NORMAL and my brain is super pissed off at me. The party is over. Again.
Yesterday was a very hard day, a day I wake up in tears. You would think someone had passed away close to me, but everything is actually going very well in my life. My work is great, and I am succeeding, my relationship is good, my kids are healthy and happy. My husband knows something is wrong as he sees me cry and tells me to please be nice to him.. He explains even though I have this pain it doesn't give me the right to take it out on others and I must be loving. He tells me "Love Wins" remember Melissa? You need to fight this.. But I didn't want to fight. I wanted to give up. I am tired of all the fighting in my life.
So, I wallowed in my pain for a few minutes, turned on the shower, and got ready for my day. I moved on.. and now today is day 3 of my "healthy diet" and I feel like hell but I will try again to get through this and hope for that silver lining to come once again. I know it will come, I have been here before.
Melissa is the Author of Healing Through the Pain How I overcame Interstitial Cystitis. She writes about health (physical, emotional and spiritual) from a vulnerable place, after overcoming Interstitial Cystitis and still battling emotional illness. She is passionate about helping women realize their ability to make changes and move forward from difficult situations in their lives.
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